Forever[fawr-ev-er, fer-]
without ever ending; eternally
Forever is such a beautiful word but I have never quite put much of my trust in it I dont know when I start feeling this way. Maybe we can date it all the way back to when I was 9years old. Before that, fairytales ended with ' happily ever after' and i believed it wholeheartedly. My life till then was like a fairytale. I grew up happily with all the love from my family. But at 9, I lost my grandma. She had a stroke that day in the late afternoon but didnt survive it. I witnessed her collapse and the arrival of the ambulance. I must say it wasnt easy for me when I was a kid. I remembered I was crying when the ambulance sent her away. I waited for my father to come back home before we left for the hospital tgt. It sucks and I hate to think about what happened after I reached the hospital.
We were directed to a room and my mother started crying so hard that she can hardly stand. My brother and I started crying because it didnt take any explanation for us to understand what was going on. She laid still in the bed. Her eyes were closed and she looked peacefully. I dont know how she was feeling during the last few minutes of her life and I felt terrible. I stroked her hair like I always do and the scenes of us together ran through my mind. It never stops playing, not even when I have grown up. So where was the forever? Why must she be taken away from us? i dont want to hear consolation saying she is in a better place now or it is all fated. How do we know how afterlife is like? Even if she has left for a better place, we are separated.
I can no longer hug her to sleep.
I no longer have her who will console me after every scolding and beating.
I no longer have her who loves me selflessly like her.
I no longer have her to tell me that I can have anything I want.
I no longer have her to be proud of me for my results.
I no longer have her to tell me that she will protect me when I have a nightmare.
I no longer have her company.
I concluded then that as long as there is death, there is no forever. Along the way as I was growing up, my family talks about how it may be a torture for us and her if she survived the stroke but became bed-ridden. She will only feel helpless and all we can do was wait for her time to be up. I dont like to talk about such possibilities since the case is ready closed. We cant change the fact. I guess seeing a lot of couples getting engaged and watching so many old couples staying true to each oterh make me revisit my definition of Forever again today. Her passing really left a deep impact in me and I double anyone can change the way I perceive things.
Okay, I feel better now. Time to wipe my tears and go to sleep.
